NJ Gov. Chris Christie. 

*choke!* “Help me, Obamacare!”

My fellow Americans: I… am full of crap. 

You are an embarrassment to the aristocratic slaveholders who forged this mighty nation!

What is this, some kind of bicentennial lemon party?

“I don’t want gas station pizza!” ~ James Madison, fourth President of these United States.

“I bagged me a fat little badger.”

“Please, kind sir, have pity!”

“All I hear is ‘chitter, chitter.’”

“This is going so great. I’m already a Halloween mask!”

“That isn’t you! They just painted Shrek yellow.”

“It’s still a great honor.”

Liberal Strawman:

Oh, the plain and simple facts is, I’d love to raise your taxes, and make your children gay!

I’m not just another loudmouth, I’m a loudmouth who says things you’re afraid to say… BUT NOT RACIST THINGS! 

RICK PERRY MISTAKENLY SIGNS ORDER TO EXECUTE HIMSELF.

STEVE JOBS UNVEILS iGHOST. 

SATAN TWEETS SUPPORT FOR SANTORUM.

EDITOR’S NOTE: What about Steve Mobs? Is there a myGhost?

I REGRET NOTHING!!!…except this part…

“Lisa, do you really need all these Kurt Vonnegut novels?”

“They self-reference each other!”

I just don’t understand the world of grown-ups!