Come, family, sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in television’s warm glowing warming glow.
“Hello, police? This is Marge Simpson. My husband is on a murderous rampage! Over.”
“Whew. Well, thank God that’s over. I was worried there for a second.”
“Here’s Johnny!”
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“David Letterman!”
“Hi, David, I’m Grampa.”
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“I’m Mike Wallace, I’m Morley Safer, and I’m Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!”
“Moe, gimme a beer!”
“No, not unless you kill your family.”
“Why should I kill my family?”
“Eh… They’d be much happier as ghosts.”
“You don’t look so happy.”
“Oh, I’m happy! I’m very happy! Lalalalalalala, see? Now waste your family and I’ll give you a beer.”
“Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can insure an honest winter’s work from those lowlifes.”
“Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?”
“Hmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and they’re all slaughtered? I owe you a Coke.”
